~The long post with no pictures where I talk about dealing with change~

Change is nothing new to me.  Growing up we moved every 2 to 3 years.  These weren’t moves across town, or just to a new school district.  We made big moves across oceans, boarders, and geographical regions.  It seemed like everywhere we went there was a new culture and language to be learned.  I was always devastated to leave behind a home, a school, and amazing friends.  Yet some how I always managed to quickly pick myself up, fall in love with a new home, and make instant best friends.  My parents always told me I was a social butterfly and for a long time I believed them. 

When I moved here to Iowa I spent over a year feeling grey.  Yes, it was a great move for Nick’s employment and future career, but it was quite possibly the hardest move I’ve ever made.  My house did not feel like my home, and though the local culture seemed familiar enough the instantaneous friendships I made in the past were non-existent.   I remember coming back to Iowa after a month long vacation to family. I was quite ready to retire a life of living out of a suitcase with two babies in tow, but I still cried as we rolled into our driveway. It didn’t feel like coming home.  It felt like coming back to lonely.

What a contrast to the way I felt coming back from my three week hiatus to family this last February!  While away I received e-mails, phone calls, and messages checking up on me, asking about my trip, wondering if I was ever coming home.  I came back to parties that had been delayed specifically so I could attend, girls nights, primary children excited to sing with me, and friends asking all about my trip like they genuinely wanted to know.  I walked in my home and felt loved.

Being the over-thinker that I am, I’ve analyzing our first year in Iowa.  I don’t think my difficulties were due to a lack of trying. Being a new stay at home mom living in a neighborhood full of working newly wed and nearly deads, we depended a lot on our ward for our social outlets.  We invited different families over for dinner every week. I went to playgroups, invited friends for playdates, attended church meetings but nothing seemed to stick.  All wards have their own unique dynamics and this ward was no different.  Somehow we couldn’t seem to find where we fit.  I also had a slew of my own personal issues to work through, but I don’t necessarily feel the need to divulge that here.  To sum it up lets just say that I recognize that part of my struggles were situational but part of them were also personal.   

I can’t help but wonder if I never really was the "social butterfly" my parents thought me to be.  I’ve never been the life of the party friend, the artistic friend, the talented friend, or even the funny friend. I don’t find much enjoyment or fulfillment in fluffy, surface relationships.  I dislike most small talk, and I hate putting on a show, pretending I’m someone different than who I am inside.  I recognize this isolates me at times because not everyone can handle getting to know that much opinionated, crazy Chrissy.  Yet somehow I’ve always been able to make a nice handful of good friends that love me despite my crazy, that don’t always take me seriously, and know that they can always depend on me to be there for them.

I can’t really pinpoint when things started changing for me here, but eventually they did.  I’m happy here in my little house.  I’ve adjusted to motherhood. I feel like a member of my community. I feel loved and depended on by other people.  I admit that I still get bugged by the frequently asked line of inquiry as to what Nick is studying in medical school, or when we’re moving for rotations.  I usually just say “Sorry, but Iowa just can’t get rid of us that easily.” All in all I feel like this is our home. 

And I’ve been comfortable…  which is why everything is now changing.  With a heavy heart I was unexpectedly released from the best church calling in the world.  With a happy heart I am pregnant with baby number 3, but fully recognize that with the joy comes a new norm and new challenges.  This May I turn 26 which would be exciting if I didn't have to turn around the next day and say goodbye to two dear Iowa sisters that I have come to love and depend on.  I’ll be out two friends that love my children, laugh at my lame jokes, don’t bat an eye when I totally look like trash, listen to me rant, and don’t judge me for having different and sometimes controversial opinions. And gosh darn it, every time I think much about it I cry. 

Despite all my practice over the years I’m still not good at dealing with change.  But I know that eventually I’ll get over it.  I’ll make more close friends, and luckily I won’t be losing all my close friends at the same time.  I’ll find a new norm and the world in my mind will mellow out.  Sometimes it all just takes time, prayer, sunshine, and a good dose of chocolate.